Trick-Or-Treating Etiquette

There was a very lively debate going on in the office today: Halloween Etiquette. More specifically on the etiquette surrounding Trick-Or-Treating. Porch lights, Pumpkins, What Candy, Non-Candy Items, Egging, Costumes, Times, etc.

Several things struck me as bah-humbug-y.

1: There were several people who would rather give no candy to anyone than to chance giving candy to teenagers (or worse, parents!) Now, come on, really? No one gets candy if some people don't fall under your superfluously strict guidelines? Ouch. Thank heaven's you're not in charge of a charity!

I understand it might ruffle your feathers when some narcissistic teenager in a half-assed costume rings your bell in hopes of a fun sized Snickers; but don't all the cute little firefighters & witches make up for it? Sure they do. Have a heart.

2. People who don't give candy out, but keep their porch light. Those cute, eager little kids walk up to your door and ring your bell in wonderful anticipation only to be awkwardly let down by your laziness & inconsideration. Those poor little cowboys & girls stare doe eyed at your door, wondering how long it will take you to get downstairs and give them candy. A few moments go by; they ring again. No answer. They SEE YOU sitting, eating chips & watching TV, trying to ignore them. The little kids do the Walk of Shame down your steps. Meanie.

 3. People who give out non-candy items. Pencils? A travel sized tube of toothpaste? Mini-Bible/Book of Mormon/Dianetics? Nasty ass pennies wrapped in plastic wrap? Orphaned crayons? Fridge magnet from whatever small business you run out of your kitchen? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!



Then there is etiquette for the Trick-Or-Treaters themselves; and the people who throw it out the window.

We'll give Gavin a break on the costume.
Gwen can come to my door any day!

1. Trick-Or-Treaters not wearing costumes. Yeah, I'll give you candy. But you're only getting one. And I buy Tootsie Rolls just for people like you. Don't be lame, put a little effort into it. Pick up a cheap mask from the dollar store or something.

2. Kids who complain about the candy. Oh poor baby, I gave you a peppermint patty and you had your heart set on a butterfinger? I bet your parents cook an extra meal, just for you. Suck it up. No one's forcing you to enjoy that cool, refreshing pepperminty goodness. Didn't your parents teach you to be grateful. Ok, don't answer that. Tootsie Roll.....

3. Kids who complain about everything else. Don't like my pumpkin carving skills? Porch not festive enough for you? Only two pieces of candy? It took me more than 10 seconds to answer the door? Tough. I need to have enough candy for everyone. You can provide me with super artistic pumpkins next year and volunteer to decorate my porch. Hey, I need a potty break, too. Tootsie Roll....

4. Girls who dress way too sexy for their age. Don't get me started; but it's my opinion that you shouldn't really be wearing fishnets and a dress that has the potential to show your Britney bits while while walking up stairs. Especially if you're 8. Just saying.

You know what's wrong with kids these days? Their parents. Many of the traits exhibited by poor form trick-or-treaters are mirrored in the actions of the parents that accompany them. Mothers sniding about how THEY would put up extra spider webs. Dads lamenting about the lack of Baby Ruth bars in your Halloween offerings. Parents actually encouraging their kids to try to grab extra candy, and to shove the smaller, slower children out of the way. Parents littering people's yards with wrappers & cigarette butts. Assholes.

  You don't think the parents know what's going on when they open their fridge and see several dozen eggs? Or rolls upon rolls of toilet paper and no anti-diarrhea medicine? I know some of you think it's totally hilarious to egg someone's house or car because they had the audacity to give you a pencil (pet peeve, but not really an egg worthy offense.) But unless you're also going to volunteer your kid to come wash their house and de-TP their trees; you're just contributing to the amount off asshole kids in the world.

  Now put on a costume, buy some candy, and have some fun!!